Destiny: The Taken King

So I’ve had more than a month to ponder the Destiny: The Taken King trailer and I have to say that I am really pumped. The mood of the trailer is spot on, it’s showing all the right curves at the right time, while still being respectful. Then suddenly they slap you in the face with three new supers that could make a porn star blush. As you can tell, my body is ready.

Don’t be gentle Bungie

Destiny has been one of the most smooth shooters on the market ever since it came out and I don’t see this changing anytime soon. I can honestly say that I have been happily playing since day one… devoting hours, upon hours, upon hours, upon hours, UPON HOURS, of my life… living the grind.

Am I having fun yet?

But after E3, Destiny or more specifically Bungie has been under siege by irate gamers, because honestly, it feels like Bungie is fucking us over, and not just normal fucking, back alley with your best friend after a night of drinking-fucking. While good, you do realize it was a costly decision. So as a man who put an easy 500 hours into the game…

I get it…

The ladies and gentlemen, that from day one spent more time and energy bashing the game than players did actually playing it.

They get it…

The other developers and publishers

They get it…

You, who are reading this

You get it…

The casual that just picked up Destiny because it was used and on sale

They probably don’t get it… but they will soon enough.

Their business model kind of leaves us gamers out to dry. But that is their BUSINESS model, they obviously want to make money and they’re doing a good job of that. So instead of yelling about it on the Internet just don’t give them more money.

Ahhhh… Capitalism

While there is glaring fuckery a foot with Destiny, I don’t really believe Bungie deserves all the hate. I do believe that Bungie has obviously missed on something major; THAT in turn deserves our collective hate. That something is already missing in the new Destiny: The Taken King DLC and no one is taking about it!

Yeah, the enemies when I pop this super

When I think of a Titan I’m overwhelmed with thoughts of America! Reach for the stars, be aggressive, and bring the fist of justice down on all who dare get in your way.

Take this Third World

So when I saw the solar titan super I was, to say the least, soul crushingly depressed. America is not about the workingman any more! Solar titan needs a weapon that will shine bright and lead the way to victory! We’re not going to Home Depot to learn how to build a shed!

You’re positive you don’t need a bow or lighting in a can sir?

Titans are here to lead the charge, point the way, and shine a path to the heavens.

If I can’t get a double kill with this…

I don’t care if it takes Bungie a whole year to fix this colossal screw up, they need to hammer out a game plan on how to change solar titans super to a DRILL THAT PIERCES THE HEAVENS! That’s a symbol that points the way to victory and leads the charge headfirst like a real Titan would. How can you strike fear into other guardians in PvP with a common variety hammer!?

Unfair… his could kill dragons

You might be asking yourself, “but why a ‘drill that pierces the heavens’ Mike?”
Well reader, that’s a stupid fucking question… but let me explain anyways.

A drill by nature is made to spin, this spinning motion is essential to how you live your life. This lack of spinning is the major flaw with the solar hammer design; it simply does not spin. Your tires spin to get you to work, Steph Curry spins a ball into a hoop to make millions, your dog spins to catch it’s tail, if the GOD DAMN Earth didn’t spin we’d all be dead! Everything is spinning and Destiny needs to hop its sci-fi ass into some tea cups and spin its way to year 2 success.

Damn, look at those planets spin

So when you start to hate in a comments section about Destiny, remember to hate on the real issues, maybe we can finally make some changes that matter. #spinclasstitan

Also, go watch Gurren Lagann.